Single (Single Dads Book 1) Read online

  She shook her head and squeezed my hand so tight I thought she would cut off my circulation.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t hug you as hard as I could.”

  What? “Huh?”

  She touched my arm. “When you told me how you felt, I don’t think I said I loved you.”

  “You didn’t say that, no.” My chest hurt. “You told me I was wrong.”

  “I do love you, Ash.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Her face fell.

  “Ash, please, let me explain. A child should never have to earn a parent’s love by being something they’re not; a parent’s love should be unconditional and forever. I let you down. I drove you away when I should have done the right thing. That was my job, but I messed it up.”

  “So what you’re implying is that I’ll do the same thing with Mia? Why? Because I’m gay or a single dad?” I stood up. “I think you should leave.”

  “No, this isn’t about you. I didn’t do the right thing. Me.”

  Silence. An awful loaded silence, where Mom stared at me, waiting for me to say something. What did I say?

  “I want you to be happy,” she finally said.

  I was exasperated. “But I am happy, Mom. I don’t see why you can’t understand that.”

  “Little Mia is so perfect. I want her to be everything she can be, and that is all I wanted for you too.” She shook her head, turned a tearful gaze to me. “But your dad… I ruined everything by trying to protect you, by sticking to God’s rules.”

  “Don’t start with your God,” I warned.

  She pressed a hand to her temple. “I didn’t mean to. I’m at a different church now, not the one that kept me strong when your dad was alive and after. Not the one that told me that I could survive being married to an alcoholic if only I believed.” She crumpled then. “The God that kept me sane drove you away, and I have no defense.”

  Okay, I could listen to this, give her a chance.

  “What does your new church teach?”

  “That I don’t have to choose,” she said, so simply that the words became more powerful. “It won’t be easy being single and a father, Asher.”

  And now she starts again. “Mom—”

  “I wish you’d found someone other than Darius to love so that there were two of you here.”

  She’s not the only one. I waited for her to add that she wished I’d met a woman, but she didn’t.

  “One day I’ll find someone, but right now, Mia is my priority.”

  “It’s so hard doing it on your own,” she said. “Your dad wasn’t the kind of person I could rely on, and when I needed help, I turned to the church, and they became the support I didn’t have. I was so black and white, but it was the only way I could protect myself. I know I sound crazy, but I’ve been seeing a therapist, and he’s shown me the things I did that were inexplicably awful.”

  “Good,” I said, then hurried to qualify that statement. “Good about the therapist I mean.”

  “He’s gay you know, married, with three children, the oldest one is starting college in the fall.”

  “Oh.”

  “He showed me that I was questioning my place in your world, and losing control of you or your sister terrified me. Am I making any sense?”

  All I knew was that the tightening of my chest had lessened a little. “Some.”

  “Don’t question what role you have in Mia’s life to the point where you tell her that any decisions she makes are wrong. Promise me.”

  “I promise.” It was an easy vow to make. I wasn’t going to make Mia feel as if any of her options were the wrong ones.

  We sat in silence for a moment. Then Mom sat upright and wiped her face furiously with tissues.

  “I’m a silly old woman,” she announced.

  I wanted affection to flood me, something that had been missing for so long where our relationship was concerned, but I was still cold.

  “Mom, you’re only fifty-four,” Siobhan said from the door. I glanced over at her, wondering how long she’d been standing there.

  “I’m a grandmother now. I feel old because my time as your mom is coming to an end.”

  Siobhan huffed, “You’ll always be our mom.”

  Luckily, Mia stirred in her crib and we both turned to stare back at the reason for all this emotion between us. Mom lost her thread, and I was glad for it.

  “She’s due a feed,” I explained and checked my watch again.

  Like clockwork, four hours had passed. The stirring increased, and Mia let out a small mewl of complaint, so I scooped her up and out of the crib, then went over to the changing table, dealing with the diaper as efficiently as I’d learned, and then with the tiny snaps on her sleeper shut, I picked her up and cradled her to my chest. Mom didn’t mention the disposable diaper once and was crying again. I felt like joining her, but when something as simple as changing my baby’s diaper became an emotional bonding moment, it was important one of us kept control of their feelings.

  This was too much to process, and I didn’t know how I felt about any of it. Seeing my mom cry messed with my head.

  We went downstairs, Siobhan made lunch, and then the six of us settled in the garden room, the doors open to the beautiful day. I ate one-handed, the other supporting the bottle as Mia lay tucked into my lap, drinking her formula. Debs and Evan were on the floor, and Siobhan was writing an email to Dan.

  “Mia’s so beautiful,” Mom said again. “I think she has your coloring. Did the woman who donated the eggs… do you know her?”

  We were doing this? We were talking about surrogacy?

  “I don’t know who donated the eggs, only that there was screening and the profile said she had brown hair and dark eyes the same as me. I wanted that so that Mia might look a little like me.”

  Mom vanished and then came back with her huge purse, pulling out an album packed full of baby photos of me and Siobhan that I remembered well.

  “See?” She thrust the book under my nose to show me a classic shot of two tiny babies, one in blue, one in pink, and the two of them looked as if they were holding hands. “Mia looks the image of you and your sister when you were babies.”

  I examined the photo of us, and then down at Mia. “She does.”

  “You and Siobhan never wanted to be apart as babies, not from day one, but look at you now, living such independent lives. I’m so proud of both of you.”

  I waited for the but, the added part of how once I’d decided to be gay I shouldn’t have even thought of having a baby on my own. However, Mom closed the book and settled back on the sofa.

  “Can I have a cuddle with my granddaughter?”

  Nothing was really settled between us. I still felt an ache in me whenever I recalled some of the things she’d said in the past. But if I ever said anything to Mia that made her mad, I’d desperately hope that she forgave me. So maybe I should do the same. Not today, but one day?

  “Of course.”

  She took Mia from me and cradled her close, glancing at me when I yawned widely.

  “I remember when I was so tired I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat. We have Mia. You should get some rest, sweetheart.”

  “I’m not tired,” I fibbed.

  When I woke up, it was night time, and the only light was from the front room where a tiny fish tank sat in the corner. Seemed like it was just me and my rainbow fish down here, but after I managed to quell the instant panic, I followed the sound of voices, recognizing my mom’s as one of them. When I rounded the corner, it wasn’t my mom or Siobhan holding Mia. It was Sean holding my daughter, and I snapped. In a smooth move, I took Mia from him and stepped back.

  “What do you want?” I asked as he moved in the opposite direction until his ass hit the work surface. One kissing session didn’t mean he could waltz in when I wasn’t there and hold Mia.

  “I was just bringing over some food I made that I thought you might like, and then I met your mom. I have chili.” He opened the pot, and the sc
ent filled the air, and my stomach rumbled. “I made cornbread as well.” He took the lid off a tray, and it smelled like heaven.

  We were at an impasse. I’d flown into the kitchen all protective, snatching my daughter from his hold, acting like a crazy person, even though Siobhan had been there watching Mia. He, on the other hand, had brought me over dinner.

  My mom shot me a curious glance, then inclined her head in that age-old gesture of say something.

  “Thank you,” I offered, but I wasn’t going to apologize for acting like a mad man over the safety of my daughter. She was mine to protect, and it seemed as if no one else understood that single vital fact.

  “I’m taking Mom and the kids out to eat,” Siobhan said and herded Debs, Evan, and Mom to the door. Only when the front door shut did I realize they’d left me alone with Sean.

  “They told me to tell you that Mia was just changed and your mom fed her,” Sean reported, still plastered to the opposite side of the kitchen as if he thought I was going to charge him or something. I owed the man an apology, despite the fact that he was in my house uninvited.

  “You brought food,” I said instead or more like blurted.

  He brightened and relaxed a little. “It’s chili, but I left out most of the chilies because I don’t know how hot you’d like it.” He touched a finger to his lip, “I just recall you put hot sauce on your burger that I tasted when we kissed, so I thought chili was a good bet.”

  “I love it hot,” I announced, then felt heat in my face as if I’d admitted that fact about sex rather than a dinner of chili.

  “I’ll dish some up if you want to get settled somewhere.” He waited.

  “Okay, yeah, thank you.” I still felt muddle-headed from sleeping and only wanted to go back to bed, but I distinctly remembered from childcare class back at the clinic that it was important to take help and support when it was offered, and I shouldn’t mess up a neighborly donation of food.

  I situated Mia in her little seat next to the breakfast table, then washed my hands, and at last there was nothing to do but sit down. There was only one bowl of chili and bread on the table, one set of silverware, and I was just about to ask him if he was eating as well when he beat me to it.

  “Okay, that’s me out of here,” he announced and made a show of checking his watch. “I’m on shift in an hour, so I need to go.” He crouched by Mia and placed his hand on her head before cupping her cheek and taking her hand. She was dozy, with eyes half-closed. “Bye, Mia, be good for your daddy, because he’s very tired,” he murmured. Then he turned his attention to me, his blue gaze piercing. “Can I kiss you?” he asked.

  “Huh?” was the extent of my reply.

  He chuckled and tilted my chin with a finger. Then he kissed me as if he was never going to kiss me again, and I stood then wrapped my arms around him. I wanted this kiss. Hell, I wanted more than just a kiss, and for a few moments I forgot myself.

  He gripped my ass, pulled me so close, and I swear I heard someone whimper. I suspected it was me. He slid his fingers past my waistband. The only thing holding me upright was one of his hands on my ass and the table itself. He deepened the kiss as he wrapped his fingers around my cock. I was so turned on, so damn hard, and part of me knew I should’ve been reciprocating, but all I could do was hold on for the ride. He crowded me against the table, and this time, I definitely let out a sound that was more growl than moan.

  “You’re so sexy,” he said, then released his hold on me. I’d been so close to losing it. Why was he stopping? I opened my mouth to ask. Then he tugged me around the corner and out of sight of Mia, who was asleep anyway, and then in a smooth move, he went to his knees. He pulled down my sweats and boxers, hooking them under my balls, and there was no hesitation from him. Circling my cock with his fingers, he licked across the crown and hummed appreciatively. “Gorgeous,” he murmured as he closed his lips around me and filled the remaining space with his hand.

  “Fuck…” I know I tried to say more, but I couldn’t, and I gave myself over to the sea of sensation that washed over me. I stared down, pulled my T-shirt out of the way, to see this gorgeous man with his lips around my cock, and the sight of him, the sensation of him sucking, the pressure on my balls from the material there, and I was gone.

  “Sean,” I warned, and he stopped sucking me, concentrating on slipping his hand up and down my length, and there was no coming back from this. He caught the come in his other hand, held me through the waves of the most perfect orgasm, and then he left me standing there. I heard running water, and then he was back, helping me to straighten my clothes before kissing me. He was still hard, and I reached for him, but he batted my hand away.

  “Another time,” he murmured, kissed me one last time, then with a casual wave, he left. I didn’t let out the breath I’d been holding until I heard the front door shut behind him.

  The chili was wonderful, not too hot, but spicy enough to wake me up, and Mia slept through the entire meal. I cleaned up a bit, washed up the pot for the chili and the bread container and resolved to return them tomorrow. I even answered a few emails, losing myself in re-planning deadlines. The only project I had outstanding was the final draft for a new car racing game that I was coordinating, and I could do that in my sleep.

  I couldn’t help laughing. I was doing everything asleep right now.

  But I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

  Brady: Hey, you there?

  Ash: Here, watching Game of Thrones from the beginning. Only it’s on mute so I don’t wake Mia. You okay?

  Brady: I could use a hug

  Ash: {{{HUG}}} does that help?

  Brady: :( Sometimes I just want a real hug, but then I realize that won’t happen

  Ash: I could visit

  Brady: …

  Brady: Maybe. One day, but not now

  We hadn’t talked much about why he was so convinced he would never meet someone to love. Also he was adamant he wasn’t ready for us to meet in person. Both of those things made me sad, but I wasn’t going to push him. He was someone I turned to when the nights were dark and I felt lonely, and we had a connection.

  Brady: Night

  Ash: {{{MORE HUGS}}}

  Brady: ROFL. X

  Sean

  A combination of an accident on the freeway, a drive-by shooting, along with a suspected outbreak of measles, plus associated walk-ins had the ER in chaos. Not that chaos was bad. In fact, chaos in the ER was the norm, and it made time fly. It just had to be managed, and I didn’t envy our attending, Noah, who stared at the board. I was standing with everyone else, waiting for the shootings and the vehicular pileup to arrive, scheduled for the same time, and we all checked with him for guidance.

  “Can Mercy take any?” someone asked from my right.

  Noah glanced at the source of the comment, a wet-behind-the-ears intern who was on his third day of his ER rotation. He looked so young, and even though he was just two years younger than me, it didn’t matter. I still saw him as a kid. The glance Noah gave the intern spoke volumes, and the kid moved behind Reuben Gray, chief nurse and built like a brick outhouse, as Noah began dishing out his orders.

  “… I want you at the door on triage, follow the first shooting that gets here, take two interns with you. I want tight, and I want fast, and let’s get them stable and up to the OR if needed. Sean, RTA…”

  I didn’t wait for the rest, pointing at the three closest interns, as well as calling on the nurses we could spare, and gesturing for Reuben to follow.

  “What have we got?” I asked him as we headed straight for the main intake doors.

  “Jackknifed truck, driver dead, seven cars involved in the RTA, unknown victims, firefighters on site, ETA on V1, three minutes.”

  The rest passed in a blur. V1, or patient one, was a DOA. V2 on our table was a five-year-old kid with a head injury. The third was a man screaming for his wife. He appeared to have superficial wounds but collapsed, and we lost him on the table twice before stabilizing
him after internal bleeding.

  Miranda from Pastoral Care was a constant presence today. She supported the family of an elderly lady who’d passed in the ambulance bay long before we could get help to her. The woman had been eighty-three and even if she’d still been alive when we got to her she wouldn’t have been a priority on the board, as she’d been picked up with symptoms of flu. Flu was trumped by a GSW or being the victim bleeding out after being cut from a car. We didn’t have the staff, but how could we tell anyone that we had such horrific choices thrust upon us?

  That was the terrible price we had to pay in the ER, the split-second judgments in life-and-death situations.

  “We need to get this patient up to the OR. Also, we have another driver to clear and get to the cath lab. Cardiology is waiting,” Noah said.

  He was at my side, checking notes, his gaze taking in the unconscious father on the table, and he was talking at the same time. I was listening but staring at the monitor for the kid we’d pulled back from the brink. Until I could see that the patient was stable, he was going nowhere. In an instant, the rhythm changed, and I slammed the door open.

  “Get him to the OR,” I announced to the room, and there was a whirlwind of action, and Noah accompanied the victim up in the elevators to the OR.

  When everything had been cleared, there was silence, and with it came what the worst part of everything. With the immediate urgency passed, all that was left was the debris of chaos, the blood painting the floors and tables, and the cleanup began. We still had another five hours left on shift, when the last of the wounded came in. All I could see was the uniform, the thick rubber boots, and the hand hanging from the side of the gurney. A firefighter, pushed in by paramedics who didn’t seem in a big hurry.

  Eric? Fuck? Was that Eric? Was the firefighter deceased? My heart stopped, and I lurched forward, still halfway between the fiery passion of taming chaos and the comedown of getting through it all.