Single (Single Dads Book 1) Page 15

  “Gray,” he said, and I was quickly introduced in turn to Austin, David, and Michael, who along with the host Nick, made up this branch of what Nick called the Single Dads Together San Diego support group.

  Gray patted a space on the floor next to him, and I realized babies had the pride of place on the sofas, and I counted three that weren’t much older than Mia. Three in identical sleepers or at least identical in all but the fact that they had different names on their chests; three babies who had to be related.

  “Mine,” Austin said with a smile. “Anna, Amy, and Aden, keeping with the A’s. My surrogate had triplets.”

  All the energy left me suddenly, and I joined the others on the floor, the car seat next to me.

  “You’re joking.”

  Austin shook his head. I could tell he was exhausted, but he was also smiling. “Not at all, but I’m lucky I have a nanny, or a manny if you want to be precise. So I do get to share the work. My manny, Paul, is here, but he’s in charge of coffee.”

  So Austin had triplets. Gray’s boy was six. David and Michael sat so close to each other I swear there was something there, and between them, they had four children: three girls and a boy, all over ten. Then there was Nick, with his three, all of whom were in the house somewhere. Or so he explained.

  Then it was my turn, and as I ate cookies and drank delicious dark coffee brought in by a very young-looking Paul-the-Manny, whose smile lighted the room, I explained about me.

  “Darius, my ex, was with me when we initiated the process, but I know that it was me wanting a family that split us up in the end. He left as soon as it properly began, told me it wasn’t his life path. I could have stopped with the journey, no harm no foul. Only I wanted a child so badly that I carried on.” I caught Austin’s expression filled with compassion, and I knew he understood.

  “Do you have a support network?” Gray asked, “A new partner? Family?”

  “My sister is completely supportive, and until recently I was estranged from my mom, but she’s back in my life, although things are still not entirely one hundred percent there.”

  “Were you estranged from your mom because you chose to have children?” David asked.

  “That’s what happened to me,” Michael muttered.

  “Their loss,” David patted Michael’s knee.

  Then it was my turn to answer. The guys would understand. I knew they all had significant others who were men. “Mostly the fact that I’m gay.”

  “Preach,” Austin muttered.

  We exchanged smiles, and there was that understanding again. I felt like maybe I wasn’t the only one to be going through all of this.

  “I do feel…” I paused and thought about the word I needed to use to explain the enormity of everything.

  “Alone?”

  “Sad?”

  “Angry at your ex?”

  “Lonely.”

  “Overwhelmed.”

  Everyone spoke at once, but I could make out the individual things. “I’m not angry with Darius. I must admit I had this fantasy that one day he’d turn up and he’d see me with Mia and utterly regret leaving me. But now, I don’t ever want him to see Mia, and when he asked me to go to New York to meet him on my own, I said no. He isn’t ready to be a dad. I’m not sure he ever will be. But yeah, I do feel lonely.” That was such a monumental thing to admit to a room full of men, but not one of them criticized me for feeling that way.

  We talked for hours, and by the time I left, I had a phone full of email addresses, social media links, and cell numbers.

  Nick extended a hand. “You know where we are.”

  I shook his hand and wanted to do something over the top like hug him until he squeaked, but I didn’t. I was restrained and kept my emotions in check.

  That was, until I stopped at the first red light and emotion stole my breath. So much, that I pulled over into a diner’s parking lot until I calmed down.

  How did it go? The text showed up from Sean while I was sitting there, and came with an added heart emoji. Talk about completely perfect timing.

  Good. I sent back. On my way home.

  I knew he was at home and that I could take Mia and go find him, just to spend time with him. I was certain Sean and I could be good together.

  And I wanted that.

  But how did I know when it was okay to allow someone into my life? We’d talked about that in the meeting. David and Michael had met through the group. Nick had been single since his husband died. Austin and Gray both said they weren’t even searching for anyone.

  I hadn’t exactly been looking. I’d had this entire life plan that I was going to follow: surrogacy, baby, happy life. Nowhere in there were any plans to fall for the hot doctor next door.

  When we arrived home, Sean was waiting for us, sitting on our porch, coffee in hand, swinging gently on the old wooden swing. I wanted to blurt out that I liked him. That he scared me. That he made me feel warm and hopeful and turned on, and everything else in a confusing kaleidoscope of emotions.

  He was perfect there on the seat, and when he moved to help us, there was a big part of me that wanted to tell him to go and sit back down.

  I wanted to say that I would go and get my own coffee, and maybe we could both sit and rock, with Mia in my arms, or his, and watch the world go by.

  But wasn’t that too much like more than only being lovers or friends?

  Wasn’t that something a lot more dangerous?

  Sean

  Somehow, I ended up sitting between Eric and Leo, when what I really wanted to do was sit with Ash. Only, Ash and Mia were in demand. Right now, they were surrounded by some of our other neighbors, and Mia was the center of attention at the end of season barbecue

  Ash and I had been a thing now for three months, actually twelve weeks and two days from that fateful night when Eric had knocked on his door.

  Most of what we did as a couple was at his place. Sex. Kissing. Reading together. Watching films. Talking. It was all where we could watch Mia, and Ash and her owned my heart completely.

  Was twelve weeks too soon to use the L-word?

  “I’ll be at Ringwood for the weekend of the fifteenth,” Eric announced, peering at his phone and frowning. “It’s the first weekend I have off.”

  I pulled out my cell and checked dates. “I can do Friday and all day Saturday until ten. Leo?”

  Leo attempted to check his phone one-handed but had to let go of the tug toy with Cap trotting off proudly, having won that battle. I couldn’t fail to notice that Cap sat next to Ash, leaned on his leg and stared up at him adoringly. I bet that is what I was like whenever we were together. All kinds of puppy dog needy. I snorted at the thought, and Eric sent me a sharp glance.

  “What?”

  “Nothing,” I said and settled in the comfy chair, tilting my head back and waiting for Leo to check out available dates.

  “I can do Saturday and into Sunday, until two.”

  “It’s agreed then. The home sent a list through. They need bunkbeds, and two tiles are loose on the roof. Also, we have the garden to fix.”

  I nodded. The three of us having days off together was a miracle of management, but to have a weekend covered where all of us managed at least some of it was how we fitted in volunteering at Ringwood. I glanced stealthily at Ash and saw him staring back at me.

  “What’s Ringwood?” he asked, and I let Eric answer. He was the one who’d set it all up and was the de facto boss of the three of us when we began new projects.

  “It’s a foster home out on Murphy Canyon Road,” he said. “We volunteer there sometimes, do some jobs, fix things up, gardening, that kind of thing.”

  “I like gardening,” Ash said and then dipped his head. He was embarrassed, and I couldn’t understand why. Then it hit me. He was volunteering in his own way, and was he worried that we’d close ranks and say we didn’t need anyone else? Or was that my own guilt talking? It had always been just the three of us, and it was something that I jealously guar
ded.

  “We can always use the help,” Leo said and then looked at me in a very deliberate way, as if he was waiting for me to herd the three of us together to the exclusion of anyone else.

  “You could bring Mia,” I said instead, and Eric snorted a laugh behind his hand. He mumbled something under his breath that sounded a lot like “you’ve got it bad, buddy.”

  But I didn’t hear it clearly enough to call him on it. Instead, I thumped him on the arm, and he began to laugh so hard he fell out of his chair.

  “Asshole,” I muttered and stood up. “I want to show Mia the pool, can I?”

  That set off a whole new round of laughing, but I ignored him, and with Ash and Mia in tow, we made our way down the garden and to the sparkling pool beyond. Several of the neighborhood kids were in there, splashing and playing around, and there was no way that Mia’s first go in a pool was going to happen in this much chaos when it was this late. But that didn’t stop Ash and me from sitting in the gathering dark in the pool chairs and chilling. I’d brought down two sodas from the cooler, and he took one gratefully.

  “Do you enjoy volunteering?” he asked me as Mia batted at something and pursed her Cupid bow lips.

  “Yeah, I do. Leo was in a foster home until the Byrnes found and adopted him. It’s just a way of giving back.”

  “On top of working all hours keeping people alive?”

  I side-eyed him, and he was smirking, the ass. What was it with people teasing me today?

  “Whatever. I can’t help being perfect.” I could laugh at myself, and with Ash, it was all so natural.

  “You’re way too unflawed. In fact, you’re dangerous.”

  This time he wasn’t teasing; he was dead serious, and I turned in my chair. “Ash?”

  “You think maybe we should say something about what we’ve been doing?” he asked and tucked a blanket over Mia’s toes as if he needed something else to concentrate on. She kicked it off instantly; that was Mia, already stubborn and focused on what she did and didn’t want. She was nearly five months now, and everything about her was perfect. In fact, everything about me and Ash was pretty perfect as well.

  “What do you want to talk about?”

  Ash cleared his throat. “When I’m with someone, I’m with them.”

  I nodded, not quite following what he meant, and then it hit me. “No other guys, you mean.”

  He sat upright, rigid. “I know you’ve had a lot of relationships, but that’s a deal breaker.”

  I reached over and clasped his hand. “It’s a deal breaker for me too.”

  He was confused for a moment and couldn’t meet my gaze. “Eric said, that night he was drunk… He implied that I was one of your many hookups.”

  “Oh,” I said and realized I was treading on dangerous ground here. “There’ve been guys you know, before you, one-night stands, few and far between though, and nothing like a relationship, and I was always safe and regularly tested. Yeah?” I held up a hand as he watched me. “We’re having fun here, and I like it.”

  He frowned and then leaned forward, focused. “What if I want something different?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Never mind, I don’t know what I mean.”

  He couldn’t mean an open relationship, given his first rule, but maybe I was being too intense? Maybe I should back off and calm the fuck down, even if I wanted to tell him I loved him and could he love me back?

  Love. How had I fallen deeply in love with him so fast?

  We sat quietly for a while, but by then, Mia needed her night bottle, and she had a routine that Ash didn’t mess with. Because of that, she slept from ten until six, and I could tell the difference in Ash’s face. He wasn’t as exhausted as he used to be. In fact, he was in his element, and he’d hired a local woman to sit with Mia each morning so he could work. Then the rest of the day was his and Mia’s, and he loved her so much it made my heart ache to see them together.

  “I think we’re going to head home.”

  I fought the disappointment that they were going, but hid it well, or at least I thought I did. After all, I could go over a little later, once Mia was asleep, and make love to Ash in the spare room. He’d decorated in there, subtle gold and red, with new rugs and bedding, and it was our temporary love nest. Mia was due to go into her own room, the nursery decorated in bright primary colors, and that meant the red room, as I’d started to call it, would be defunct.

  I couldn’t wait to make love to my man in his big bed with the wooden poles. So much to hang on to.

  “You coming with me?” he asked after a pause.

  “Yeah?”

  He held out a hand, and I took it, and together we headed out. There were quite a few people still there, sprawled on the grass or sitting with their feet in the pool, and they all said good-bye, and no one batted an eyelid over the fact that the two guys holding hands were leaving. Leo winked at me, but then, I expected that and gave him the finger.

  We made it all the way to his front door, and expectation burned in my chest. Not for sex or making love, but for the domestic chores of two people sharing care for a baby. He even had his key in the lock. We’d almost made it in.

  “Ash,” someone called from behind us, and I didn’t have to be an expert in body language to understand that Ash was startled. He went rigid and turned on his heel to face the owner of the voice.

  “Darius.”

  This was Darius? The ex who cheated on Ash? The one who’d backed away from the surrogacy at the last possible moment? Trepidation coiled inside me, and I knew I needed to stay calm if I could because Ash might need me.

  “Hey, Ash.” Darius’ tone was light, and he smiled with what I assumed he thought was fondness. To me, it looked like a mix between a smirk and panic. “Is that the baby?” he asked, and I couldn’t fail to see how protective Ash was as he tucked Mia in his arms.

  “I’ve got nothing to say to you,” Ash explained. He sounded as if he was over all of Darius’ shit, but Darius wasn’t getting the message.

  Darius chuckled and made a tutting sound of disapproval.

  What the hell?

  “You don’t mean that, sweetheart,” Darius cajoled.

  “I do.”

  “Can I see her?” Darius moved closer, and I stepped between Ash and Darius, a walking, talking roadblock.

  “Why the he—why are you here?” Ash snapped, with none of the politeness I associated with the man I knew I loved.

  “I’m here to talk, to apologize, to see you and talk about the next steps with the baby.”

  “What?” Ash sounded horrified, and my stomach was in knots.

  “I’ll get Leo,” I said. “And Eric.” Between the three of us, we could get Darius off of the porch.

  “We don’t need Eric, he’s a cop and it could escalate,” Ash said, and I watched Darius’ nonchalant expression slip a little.

  “Look, I just want to apologize.”

  “I don’t need an apology. Now leave.”

  “Oh, Ash, come on, babe. Don’t be like that,” Darius coaxed. “Why don’t we get someone to look after the baby, and we can talk.”

  “Mia, her name is Mia.”

  Darius frowned. “I don’t recall that being on our list of names.”

  “Your list of names,” Ash muttered.

  “Let your friend take the—Mia—and we can talk.” He then climbed the three steps and extended a hand to me. “I’m Darius, but I’m sure that you’ve heard of me.”

  I shook his hand, but not for long. Ash’s ex-partner was a douche, and he acting like he had a right to see Mia. Not to mention I’d just had the whole goddamned love epiphany in my head, and I needed to blurt out how I felt right here and now.

  Darius released my hand and took a step around me to look at Ash, but Ash didn’t move toward him, and I waited for a clue as to what he wanted me to do. I stood next to him in a united front.

  “What do you want?” Ash asked again. There was a tone to his voice I’d
never heard before: resignation.

  “I said, we need to talk.”

  “No,” Ash said, blunt and to the point.

  “I just want to meet Mia and see if maybe we could try again. The three of us.”

  What the fuck? No.

  Ash turned to hand Mia to me. There was a universe of trust in his eyes. I took her and cradled her close.

  Then he cracked his neck. “Darius, when you were with me, you slept with three other men. At least three that I know of. You walked out on me and the plans we’d made, and I have a new life now.”

  Darius held out a hand. “But I want to apologize.”

  Was that going to be enough to convince Ash? I shuffled closer to him, and my elbow knocked his. I don’t know if it would help, but if he felt me there, maybe he could stay calm.

  “No.” Ash was emphatic. “I have nothing to say to you.”

  “We could be the family you wanted.”

  Ash narrowed his eyes. “What?”

  Darius shrugged. “I have a new position in Scotland, or at least I will when the funding is agreed upon. There’s a place there, a big house for a family.”

  “A family?” Ash asked, and my heart sank. Was he going to be swayed away from me and this small house in San Diego for a man in another country?

  “Special houses just for families, with no cost. The new company likes families in the remote community, and I told them about you and the baby. Mia, I mean.”

  “And?”

  “And that we were a family.” He couldn’t meet Ash’s gaze and abruptly it all made sense to me and to Ash it seemed.

  “What you mean is that the funding prerequisite from this new institution is that you have a family, and you told them you had one.”

  “Not exactly…” Even I could tell he was lying. Darius blustered a bit, even looked affronted that Ash could even suggest that. “But I may have implied—”

  Ash touched Mia and bumped my arm. “This is my family,” he interrupted.

  My heart swelled, and I felt as if I had everything in that moment.

  Darius wasn’t letting it go. “Ash. Come on—”